I
believe that all of us, at one point or another in our lives, have attempted at
covering our insecurities and vulnerabilities from others, so as that others
cannot find that fragility within you and use it as a weapon, to maim and wound
your feelings. I am an extremely sensitive person, and have been all my life.
It is a topic I avoid at all costs; I deny it to anyone who seems to have
discovered this defect. When I was very young, it was something I dealt with
through tears and complaining. Over the years, this sensitivity has shrunk into
a small, hardened ball inside of me, only to come out and arise when I am
unable to swallow it, to control it. Dark humor and laughing at myself is what
gets me by, and it has taken years and years of practice at containing my
feelings, and redirecting them into work, or humor.
Whilst
reading "Am I Blue?"by Bruce Coville, I thought about what I hide,
what I cover up from others, and how much I can relate to Butch Carrigan, and
the republican Congressman, who are both covering up their sexualities. I
myself am not covering up my sexuality, or covering my sensitivity through
violence or insufferable words. But I can definitely relate.
And
while thinking about how relatable these characters happen to be, I also began
to think about society and the way people view and react to people's
sexualities. Do people who are exploring their sexualities always get treated
in the way that Vincent is treated in this short story? Are people who are
possibly gay always greeted with the same daily fear of being bullied at
school, taunted for being different? I pondered this as I sat reading the
story, wondering if people do indeed suffer this torture every single day of
their middle school and high school lives. After I had mulled over the troubles
that Butch Carrigan inflicts upon Vincent, perhaps I am not all that much like
him. In the opening paragraphs of "Am I blue?", we are greeted with
an image of Vincent being kicked around in the mud by his nemesis, the bully
that has scarred him both emotionally and physically for many years, simply
because Vincent may or may not be gay. Vincent is then introduced to his
"fairy godfather" who is willing to grant Vincent three wishes.
Vincent is then given the power to see whether or not people are gay, or what
degree their homosexuality is by the amount of blue their skin is pigmented
with. Over the course of the story, Vincent learns that about 1 in every 10
people is a dark, vivid blue, and about 1 in every 4 people is at least tinted
blue. Vincent also discovers that a Republic Congressman, who is famed for
being a homophobe, is also a very bright shade of blue, and Vincent's bully
Butch Carrigan, is "...blue as a summer sky..." When reading, I came
to the realization that many people hide their sexuality through supposed
hatred of gay people, or by saying foul things towards homosexuals to cover up
what they are too frightened to admit. I myself do cover up my sensitivity with
humor, and try as much as possible to be indifferent towards people, and, at
times, I can be harsh towards others. I loathe myself for this. And while I
interpreted this semi-hatred for myself for being abrasive and unfeeling towards others, I
truly discovered how I relate to these characters, for they, too, feel a
certain amount of animosity towards themselves.
It
is much the case with the Republican Congressman; he covers his sexuality
through hateful words and slogans that condone hatred towards gays. By doing
so, this Republican Congressman defers attention away from what his sexuality
is, and makes people focus on how much he supposedly hates homosexuals. In a
way, he probably does hate people who are openly gay, for they had the strength
to do what he couldn't ever muster the courage to do; to come out of the
closet. This republican Congressman has to live behind a mask of his own
insecurities his whole life, for he never had the strength to be honest with
himself and others. It is much the same for Butch Carrigan, the bully that has
tormented Vincent for so many years. Butch uses violence and foul words to
exploit his supposed heterosexuality, when in reality must also feel a certain
hatred for himself for never being honest, and for bullying Vincent when
Vincent was one person in their school he could probably relate the most to.
People who are homosexual and afraid to admit it, or simply people in general
who are afraid of being honest about something for fear of being bullied or
unaccepted will go to many lengths to protect themselves, and will form a hard
shell of detestable words said towards gays, or rumored hatred towards gays so
as that people are not able to penetrate their hard shell and hurt what lies
underneath. I have a hard shell, and I have soft feelings that lay underneath
that are fragile. In a way, I am much like an egg. I am fragile; which is
attributable to my sensitive feelings, and although I do not cover this
sensitivity through brutality, I am still composed of the same material as
Butch Carrigan, and the Republican Congressman.
